I will not buy this record, it is scratched!

"Are you the sole proprietor of the Whizzo chocolate factory?"

"This is Mr. E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court, Black Lion Road London SE5. He can not be seen. Now I am going to ask him to stand up. Mr. Bradshaw will you stand up please"

BANG!

"amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope"

We just have to have a Monty Python thread every now and then

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy.
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick.
So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy, or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons.
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back."

...I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry's and hold my head up high and say in a loud, steady voice, 'Harry, I want you to sell me a condom. In fact, today, I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant.'

It was....THE SALMON MOOSE.

But I didn't have the salmon moose!

"One final question Karl and the beautiful lounge suite will be yours... Are you going to have a go? You're a brave man. Karl Marx, your final question, who won the Cup Final in 1949?"

Man: 'Evening, squire!
Squire: (stiffly) Good evening.
Man: Is, uh,...Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean,
nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?
Squire: I, uh, I beg your pardon?
M: Your, uh, your wife, does she go, eh, does she go, eh?
S: (flustered) Well, she sometimes "goes", yes.
M: Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more,
knowwhatahmean, nudge nudge?
S: (confused) I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.
M: Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a
wink to a blind bat!
S: Are you, uh,...are you selling something?
M: SELLING! Very good, very good! Ay? Ay? Ay?
(pause)
M: Oooh! Ya wicked Ay! Wicked Ay! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE!
S: Well, I, uh....
M: Is, your uh, is your wife a sport, ay?
S: Um, she likes sport, yes!
M: I bet she does, I bet she does!
S: As a matter of fact she's very fond of cricket.
M: 'Oo isn't? Likes games, eh? Knew she would. Likes games, eh? She's been
around a bit, been around?
S: She has traveled, yes. She's from Scarsdale.
(pause)
M: SAY NO MORE!!
M: Scarsdale, saynomore, saynomore, saynomore, squire!
S: I wasn't going to!
M: Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib?
Is your uh, is your wife interested in....photography, ay?
"Photographs, ay", he asked him knowlingly?
S: Photography?
M: Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?
S: Holiday snaps, eh?
M: They could be, they could be taken on holiday. Candid, you know,
CANDID photography?
S: No, no I'm afraid we don't have a camera.
M: Oh. (leeringly) Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?
S: Look... are you insinuating something?
M: Oh, no, no, no...yes.
S: Well?
M: Well, you're a man of the world, squire.
S: Yes...
M: I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh....
You've "done it"....
S: What do you mean?
M: Well, I mean like,....you've SLEPT, with a lady....
S: Yes....
M: What's it like?

My wife got me the full Monty Python's Flying Circus collection a few years ago. I've recently been converting them to a format that can be read by my PSP. So now I get my Monty Python fix on the go!

"This, is an ex-parrot!"

FastCargo

"Did you find anything unusual about Dinsdale Pirahna?"

"I should think not! Dinsdale was a PERFECT gentleman, on top of which, he knew how to treat a female impersonator".


And something not seen on the original:

My wife bought me a collectors edition copy of The Life of Brian, and there was a section cut from the part at the end with the "Judian Peoples Front Crack Suicide Squad".

Apparently, a few of them decide not to kill themselves, and their seniour officer orders them to "Return to camp, and eat six fried pork sausages each"

Was cut so that it would not offend the Jewish people, but man, watching it is SO funny!

Yeah, the Criterion version of Life of Brian was worth the extra $$. I have all the movies except And Now For Something Completely Different on DVD, the entire 14 disc series, the 2 disc live set, and now the Life of Python set which pretty much fills in all the blanks. Those have all the reunions they did over the past 20 years (Graham Chapman died 18 yrs ago already!!)

Vicar: It's about this letter you sent me regarding my insurance claim.
Devious: Well yeah, it's just that we're not, as of yet, totally satisfied with the grounds of your claim.
Vicar: But it says something about filling my mouth in with cement!
Devious: That's just legal jargon you know.
Vicar: But my car hit by a lorry standing in the garage and you refuse to pay my claim.
Devious: Well, Reverend Morrison in your policy it states quite clearly that no claim you make will be paid.
Vicar: Oh, dear.
Devious: You plucked for our 'never pay policy' which, uhh, which if you never claim is very worthwhile, but you, uh, had to claim and there it is.
Vicar: Oh, dear.


The Jedi Master

Is this the right room for an argument?

I've told you once...

No you haven't...

Yes you have...

I'd like to return this parrot.

He's pining for the fjords!

And I thought you were so rugged!

Five is right out!


The Jedi Master

anyone here like fruit bats and breakfast cereals?

"What is your favourite colour?"

"Oh bad, wicked, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight our beacon, which I've just remembered happens to be grail-shaped...Bad Zoot, she must be punished by...a spanking!"

"A spanking, a spanking!"

"And then, you can spank me!"

"And me!"

"And me!"

"And me!"

"And then...the oral sex!"

"But I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them!"

"No, no peril for today Sir Gallahad!"

"Can't I have just a little bit of peril?"

"No, it's unhealthy!"

"Bet you're gay!"

"No I'm not!"

Hello! Hello! Hello! Thank you,thank you.
Hello good evening and welcome, to BLACKMAIL! Yes, it's another edition of
the game in which you can play with *yourself*. (applause)
And to start tonight's show, let's see our first contestant, all the way from
Manchester, on the big screen please: MRS. BETTY TEAL!
(applause, which suddenly stops when the clap track tape breaks)
'Ello, Mrs. Teal, lovely to have you on the show. Now Mrs. Teal, if you're
looking in tonight, this is for 15 pounds: and is to stop us from revealing
the name of your LOVER IN BOLTON!! So, Mrs. Teal, send us 15 pounds, by
return of post please, and your husband Trevor, and your lovely children
Diane, Janice, and Juliet, need never know the name... of your LOVER IN
BOLTON!

"All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much MUCH thicker in the middle,and then thin again at the far end. That is the theory that I have and which is mine, and what it is too."

Albatross!

[img]http://www.weblogsinc.com/common/images/8817137581414458.JPG?0.6973559889537211[/img]

My favourite bit from The Holy Grail

Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken;
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away;
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--

And then

Brave Sir Robin ran away.
Bravely ran away, away!
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out.
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat,
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin!

Later again

He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge...

Arthur: "You are indeed brave Sir Knight, but the fight is mine."

Black Knight: "OOH, had enough, eh?"

Arthur: "Look, you stupid b*stard, you've got no arms left!"

Black Knight: "Yes, I have!

Arthur: "LOOK!"

Black Knight: "It's just a flesh wound!"

I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok, I work all night and I sleep all day.
I dress in women's clothing, suspenders and a bra....


Sorry I couldn't think of anything from Monty Python.

We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.

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God, that sketch kills me!

"Well that's the end of that conversation..."